My 37th birthday was July 30th, and at of the time of writing this the next morning, I’m coping with an emotional, and physical hangover.
July was an intense month. Cancer season, an eclipse, Mercury retrograde, my daughter graduating high school and turning 18, my father passing away. I’m ready for a looong vacation.
I have been attempting to take time to myself to sort out and process my feelings, and figure out what direction my life is going to go in. My daughter will be moving out in a few weeks, and I will probably be moving in November, and I have no idea where I want to go. I’m also trying to adjust to the idea of living completely alone. My daughter being a driving teenager, means she’s usually not home, or she’s locked away in her room, but it’s still comforting to have her presence here. I gave birth to her when I was 19, so I have no idea what’s it’s like to be an adult on their own. It’s a strange concept to me that I can now make choices and decisions based solely on what I want and what’s best for me, and without feeling guilty about it.
I find it amusing that “freedom” is something that I value highly, but now that it is being presented to me in this new way, I’m mildly terrified. I’m usually very adaptable to change, and tend to go with the flow, but this month I have noticed some resistance and anxiety creeping up. I want my daughter to do what’s best for her and to be happy, but I can’t deny that I feel like I’m “losing” her in a sense, and it’s a little heartbreaking. It’s not like I’m going to stop being her mother, or that she will stop needing me for things, but our roles have shifted for the long term, and it’s going to take some getting used to.
I spent the majority of my childhood longing for freedom from my parents, and now that I mostly have it, I am facing the reality of the fact that I really only have myself to depend on. There have been moments of wavering in my self-confidence…but I’ve made it this far, so why turn back now? The doors are wide open for me, and I can create whatever I want on the other side. That’s a lot of power to be responsible for, but then again, that’s usually when I’m my strongest.
Thirty seven feels slightly dangerous. I’m still young and attractive enough that people bother to take the time to listen to me, and I’m wise enough with experience to make it worthwhile. I’m balanced on the edge of a new chapter- a chapter filled willed infinite potential and possibilities, and it’s a mystery I am excited to have revealed to me. Be prepared to see me testing things out with my business, as I discover how I want it to grow in order to best serve you!