Stella Marin

Self-Love | Energy Healing | Coaching | Alchemy

Thirty Seven: A New Chapter

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My 37th birthday was July 30th, and at of the time of writing this the next morning, I’m coping with an emotional, and physical hangover.

July was an intense month. Cancer season, an eclipse, Mercury retrograde, my daughter graduating high school and turning 18, my father passing away. I’m ready for a looong vacation.

I have been attempting to take time to myself to sort out and process my feelings, and figure out what direction my life is going to go in. My daughter will be moving out in a few weeks, and I will probably be moving in November, and I have no idea where I want to go. I’m also trying to adjust to the idea of living completely alone. My daughter being a driving teenager, means she’s usually not home, or she’s locked away in her room, but it’s still comforting to have her presence here. I gave birth to her when I was 19, so I have no idea what’s it’s like to be an adult on their own. It’s a strange concept to me that I can now make choices and decisions based solely on what I want and what’s best for me, and without feeling guilty about it.

I find it amusing that “freedom” is something that I value highly, but now that it is being presented to me in this new way, I’m mildly terrified. I’m usually very adaptable to change, and tend to go with the flow, but this month I have noticed some resistance and anxiety creeping up. I want my daughter to do what’s best for her and to be happy, but I can’t deny that I feel like I’m “losing” her in a sense, and it’s a little heartbreaking. It’s not like I’m going to stop being her mother, or that she will stop needing me for things, but our roles have shifted for the long term, and it’s going to take some getting used to.

I spent the majority of my childhood longing for freedom from my parents, and now that I mostly have it, I am facing the reality of the fact that I really only have myself to depend on. There have been moments of wavering in my self-confidence…but I’ve made it this far, so why turn back now? The doors are wide open for me, and I can create whatever I want on the other side. That’s a lot of power to be responsible for, but then again, that’s usually when I’m my strongest.

Thirty seven feels slightly dangerous. I’m still young and attractive enough that people bother to take the time to listen to me, and I’m wise enough with experience to make it worthwhile. I’m balanced on the edge of a new chapter- a chapter filled willed infinite potential and possibilities, and it’s a mystery I am excited to have revealed to me. Be prepared to see me testing things out with my business, as I discover how I want it to grow in order to best serve you!

July's Theme: Celebrate Yourself

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I am a big fan of celebrating, and with my daughter’s birthday and mine being this month, I thought I would invite you all to celebrate as well! Every day this month, I plan on doing something, whether big or small, to honor/celebrate/appreciate myself, and it would be awesome if you did the same!

Most of us have bad habits of filling our minds with negative self talk. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough, or compare ourselves to others. We fill our to do lists, feeling a sense of accomplishment when we check them off, only to rush to finish the next task without stopping to just enjoy and appreciate all of things we have already accomplished. So this month, I challenge you to take time every day to celebrate who you are, all that you do, how far you’ve come, and just being your unique self! Here are just a few ideas to get you started:

Ways to Celebrate Yourself

  • Learn something new. Take a class, read a book, watch an online tutorial, talk to someone who is knowledgeable about a topic you are interested in. Learning new things alters your brain chemistry, it can make you feel better about yourself, you can meet new people, get inspired and create new ideas, and has many other positive benefits.

  • Physical care. Do something that makes your body feel good, which in turn will make you feel mentally and emotionally good. Exercise, dance, go for a walk, cut your nails, take a bath, style your hair differently, whatever feels good to you.

  • Make a special meal. For me, cooking is an art form. I choose my ingredients based on my mood, my environment, the season, and often feel inspired to create new combinations and dishes. Be sure that whatever you create is also going to make you feel good afterwards. If you know you will regret eating something with dairy, gluten, etc., don’t do it, no matter how good it sounds at the time.

  • Set aside time to be alone. Some of us have more opportunities to get away and have time for ourselves than others. Having a child who is approaching 18 means I have far more free time than I did ten years ago. Even if the only chance you get is on a lunch break or while driving in your car, make the best of it. Use your time alone to be fully present in the moment. Try not to allow the usual mind chatter to fill your thoughts, and use the opportunity to practice meditation (the act of being present) in your everyday routine.

  • Connect with someone. Celebrating can often be fun when you’re sharing the joy with others. Pick a day and time to really connect with someone you care about. Put your phones and other distractions away, and be fully present in one another’s company. If you can’t get together in person, give someone a call or write them an email or letter.

  • Spend time in nature. Get outside and celebrate Mother Earth’s unconditional love for us. Take time to appreciate that the planet endlessly supplies us with everything we need to sustain life, despite how we treat her. Celebrate the fact that we are one with nature, and not separate.

  • Sleep in/Take a nap. Honoring your body with rest is a great way to reset and refresh yourself.

  • Give yourself a gift. I’m not advocating indulging in needless consumerism, but treat yourself to something that is meaningful and will bring you a feeling of joy. It could be a piece of art, a ticket to a concert or a used record, a seashell, flower, or other gift from nature, a book, a new experience, something you crafted, etc. It doesn’t have to cost money, it just should just feel good to give to yourself and allow yourself to receive.

  • Celebrate someone else. Like I mentioned, my daughter’s birthday is also this month, so I am celebrating her as well as myself. Choose someone you care about and find a way to show them that you love them and celebrate their place in your life and in the world.

  • Do something that puts you out of your comfort zone. Anything! Put yourself out there and own yourself. You could dress up in something funky or flamboyant and go out in public (I was a big fan of this in my 20s and it was liberating and confidence inducing), color your hair, go dancing if you think you can’t dance, try something you’ve always been afraid of, meet someone new, go someplace alone if you’re never alone, go out with other humans if you tend to hermit. We get one short life that has a surprise expiration date, so why would oyu want to spend it playing small? You are an incredible, unique individual who has a light to shine. Don’t apologize for being who you truly are, and don’t keep yourself small and quiet to appease others. Go out there and own who you are!

  • Do some inner work. We all have aspects of ourselves that still need some evolving. Take time to look at your shadow side, and see what needs to come to light. If you aren’t seeing some type of counselor or therapist, consider scheduling an appointment with one. If money is an issue, I get plenty of free therapy from YouTube videos. Just yesterday, I learned what is at the root of my procrastination, and it turns out it’s shame that I picked up from childhood traumas. We ALL have issues that we need to work on to help us be our happiest and highest functioning selves. Take some time to heal yourself with love and compassion. No one can take care of you or love you like you can- build a strong healthy relationship with YOU, it’s the best gift you can give yourself.

  • Throw a party! Pick something you are proud of and throw a party around it. It could just be you sitting in a chair drinking a cup of your favorite tea and reading a book or watching a movie you love, as long as you are acknowledging that you deserve recognition for ____ (fill in the blank). You deserve to celebrate for just making it as a human!

Every day this month I will be posting how I’m celebrating on my Instagram. Follow along and tag me so I can see how you’re celebrating! @itsstellamarin

Communication Breakdown

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Photo Credit: Stella Marin Photography

Photo Credit: Stella Marin Photography

Most of us are shitty communicators. I say this, because I am a shitty communicator, thereby causing me to be surrounded by shitty communicators-albeit shitty communicators whom I love very much. If you are a healthy communicator, you are probably surrounded by others who communicate well, and my opinion doesn’t apply to you.

Poor and misguided communication is everywhere in most of the world, so I don’t hold it against people, but it is something that truly needs healing. We are faced with lies, manipulation, persuasion, and all kinds of twisted information on a very regular basis, from the media, the government, religions, and community cultures and traditions. In many cases, we learn it from our families first. My father’s lack of communication skills is an anomaly to me - I have never met another human who fails to properly communicate with every spoken word. My childhood was filled with lies, and I grew up thinking it was perfectly acceptable, so I became quite the impressive liar…I always hoped it would help my acting.

Fast forward to my mid thirties, after years of inner work, healing, and some guidance along the way, I have become disgusted by lying, and an advocate for honesty. I am listening more, and trying to be more mindful of my words. I am setting boundaries and learning and expressing my needs. I am choosing to be more selective of the conversations I engage in and to not verbally react without thinking first. However, some of it is easier than others. I’m still afraid to speak up when I think I might seem rude or “bitchy, I still allow guilt to control me, I become overwhelmed by communicating via cell phone, or by too many emails, I don’t always walk away from conversations I don’t want to be a part of, and I tend to give my time and energy away too freely to others. I still worry about hurting other people’s feelings, causing me to have a weak boundary with that person. On the other hand, I also catch myself acting and reacting from my ego instead of my heart, causing me to snap at people, and communicate things I don’t really feel, or I sometimes express my feelings about a person to others, instead of the “person.”

The Universe has really been pushing me hard to heal this lately. Over the past few months, I’ve been feeling more passionate about always speaking my truth, but I keep facing situations in which I do not speak my truth. When this happens, I either withdraw and attempt to disappear from the world, or I repress my feelings until it erupts at a later time, or I become resentful because I blame someone else for my inability to speak my truth. None of these actions are healthy, and I keep seeing these things in other people. My partner is facing being triggered by certain people, and it’s such a clear mirror to me of how I am not always enforcing boundaries or putting myself first. It’s seems like such an obvious answer to just be honest with people, so why is honesty so hard sometimes? Is it because we try to take responsibility for other people’s feelings? Is it because we care too much about what other people think? Is it because our ego is at risk? Are we afraid of getting in trouble? Is it because we are unable to be authentic in that moment? Well, definitely yes to that last question, but why are we so afraid of being authentic? Fear of rejection? I’m trying to dive deep with this topic. I am ready for some serious change in the communications department. I know that if I can start speaking up more often with kindness and compassion for both myself and the other person, while still enforcing boundaries, then I will start to see change in the people around me as well.

At the moment, however, there are still too many days where I just want to SCREEEEEEEAAAMMM! I want to be heard. I want to be acknowledged. I want what we all want. What I really want is to get to the place where I’ve learned to “soften with firmness,” whereas now, I feel like I’m “rigid with limpness.” What I mean by the latter, is I have a tendency to be aggressive and defensive when I enforce certain boundaries- I react from my masculine energy. Or, I don’t enforce a boundary, and I allow someone to be an energy vampire and I give them more time than I would care to- I drown in my feminine “polite” energy. When I say I want to “soften with firmness,” I just mean that I want to respond to others from a place of balanced masculine and feminine energy. I want to soften where I am tough, and firm where I am too lax. I didn’t really need all of those words to get that message across…but communicating with fewer words is something I’m still working on; I am a writer after all.

I would love for you to leave a comment and share with me how you communicate in healthy ways, or share the areas of your life in which you struggle to communicate at your best, most authentic level!